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New Beginnings
Bright, clear, cold.
Newly fallen snow crunching underfoot
As I walk to where I should be.
With you, in your arms, all I can think is
'What did I do to deserve this?'
We share our thoughts, our dreams
About the future and what it might be.
In the brief time we've been together
We're closer than I could have ever hoped to be.
You are everything I hoped you would be
Strong, caring, so sure of yourself.
I want you to know that I may love you
But it's too soon to tell.
I'm still shaken over the last and how that hurt
And I thank you for standing by through this.
At the very least, I care deeply for you
And what you mean to me.
Shut Up
the table between us was barely enough to keep me from smacking you
and that stupid smile off your face for the last time.
instead, i sat in silence and let you go on and on
for the thousandth time about what you thought.
after years of listening to the same old rhetoric about your feelings
i felt like cutting off my ears and donating them to someone who cared.
i put up with you because we're the same - we think too much, we 'know' too much, we are too much
and everyone around us lets us go on and on because they have nothing to say.
you say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong people
and i let you know every time you do it.
we've been through this time and time again,
but for the last time - please - shut up.
The Thin Line
To say what's honestly on my mind
I'd have to clear out the cobwebs
Of indecision and insecurity
Beyond what you've already seen.
The fear that you would run away
Or that I would hurt you more than before
Is the most prominent thought I have
Keeping me and my feelings to myself.
Is it worth it not letting it out
Before it erupts at the worst time
Propelling us towards oblivion
Perhaps bringing us closer together?
Struggle
If there is nothing for me
After this is done
I want none of it.
There must be a role
For me to play
Even if it is this.
The feeling of failure
Is ever present
And suffocating.
I want to be something
That is wrong
But at least be.
The control is mine alone
And the first step
Must be taken.
The others do not know
What it is like
To be me.
Don
You strut your stuff every time I see you
On the bus, down the street, in the mall
Thinking it's 1985 and you are the best there is.
Your hair, your style, your attitude,
Are all copies of a relic that has passed
Into time and onto midafternoon cable.
You aren't getting the attention you crave
Because it's been seen, it's been done
Twenty years ago before you knew what it was.
Straighten your collar, poof your hair, roll up those sleeves
And maybe you'll find what you're looking for
Behind those sunglasses and in those sockless-shoes.
People don't hate you because you're beautiful
They mock you because you've forgotten how to advance
Not for what you want to be and what they can't.
Rolling eyes and giggle behind fists
Follow you everywhere you go
But you don't care - it's all jealousy.
Foundling
Inside the room of the one
Who lives without light
Comes a brightness that only
Arrives when it is touched
Beside the table of junk
Under the cover of words
Surprises those who know
From where it struggles
New and singular to the world
Beyond the height of trees
Trying to listen to the sound
Questions among the cries.
Frustration
Venturing nearer and nearer
To the point of no return
It becomes quite clear
That there is no resolution
For the driving need to do
And to be seen for what it's worth
Further and further it drifts
Until it is lost forever.
Shadow
Coming down from the mountain
I realized that I hadn't been up all that far.
Rescuing what I could from the mess
Sorting and pitching, cleaning and destroying.
It felt wonderful compared to what I knew
Was only a few steps behind my back.
Turning to confront it I felt unequalable
Realizing only too late that I was defeated.
It comes down to a point of realization
That appears to be a misguided thought.
The freedom that was so long hoped for
Quickly descended into unreachable grounds.
Pathetic Creature
Your patheticness leaves me wondering why I stayed for so long
In a world where there was no hope.
Questions fill my mind about why and how,
And all I can come up with is 'because.'
I thought I loved you but I was wrong to think that
With all your words, you were someone to be loved.
Every time you cross my mind, I shudder
Almost shamed at the time we spent together.
You don't deserve to have anyone share their life with you
Or feel anything more than pity or contempt for what you are.
You are evil personfied, a fact you revel in
Someday, I hope you get what you are owed.
Longing
The earmuffs you gave me that Christmas
Currently sit on the shelf in the closet
Waiting for the first snowfall and the crisp wind
Although you are not with me this year
I know you think of me and do the same of you
I remember the feel of the butter on your fingers
From the last movie we saw together
And the last game of table tennis we played
The time we spent together was short
But we made the most of it
Not knowing the next time is what hurts the most
Until then we will do as we have always done
Thinking writing talking over the miles
Only Beginning
There's a chill in the air
That doesn't want to leave
And won't depart for months
Against our pleas and insistent begging.
The leaves, the clouds, the children
All signal that it is time for settling in
For another long winter
Beside the fire and under the blankets.
The days will get shorter and colder
But we will stay and revel in it
Toughening our spirits and our skin
Laughing at those who run the other way.
People declare every new year
That this will be their last winter
In the frigid cold, surrounded by snow
But come the next year, they are still here.
As much as we all hate it
And complain and rail against the cold
We are still here, preparing ourselves
Knowing that in eight months, it will be too hot.
Box
You asked me to do this for you
And I've failed at trying
To which you tell me
'Are you...?' Eyebrows lifted.
I answer with my head bowed
'Yes, I...' Looking at my feet
You grasp my head and turn it up
Toward the light and shake
I feel the need to break out
You keep me in the stand
While I wrestle with my desire
As you lean back and nap.
OId Ways
The old way of doing things
Meant simplicity and ease
Not thinking hard or doing work
Made life as simple as pie
It wasn't that long ago
That a day could be spent
Doing as one please
Without a single regret
Today we are rushing
To a point none of us can see
Trying to beat everyone else
At a game that has yet to be invented
In our time the speed has changed
And made everything around us stay the same
Tomorrow is another day to do more
So we can end up with less than we had before
Uncaring
there are times when i feel like i should be someone else
that if i could, i would, trade with anyone who cared
about what everyone else does.
there's nothing that bores me more than people who rant
especially about things they can't change
while sitting around doing nothing for the dozenth night in a row.
people who care too much are a hassle to be around
because all they can talk about is what _they_ want to do
and how things would be different if they were in charge.
me, i'm more of a 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' kind of person
i want to help, i want to care, i want to do
but that would mean being involved.
once upon a time, in a world long ago, i spoke out
and i cared, but now, there's no point
to saying what i think or doing something for some cause that
doesn't directly affect me.
i've become a statistic - unsure, didn't know, undecided - in the grand scheme of life.
and it doesn't bother me one bit.
The Pit
"It's a long way down,"
You said as you looked into the pit.
"I know," I smiled back,
Thinking of how much I'd like to push you down it.
There was nothing between you and me
To prevent it from happening.
Just one simple shove, a trip,
And it would all be over.
From your persepective, it was a deep hole,
But for me, it was the end to all my worries.
As I readied to send you down into oblivion,
You jumped and took me with you.
Beat
It isn't enough that I do the things you ask
But you want me to beg for more
As you sit and contemplate what degredation
Will come out of your mouth with the next step.
I want to stand up and proclaim my independence
Lashing out at you and your twisted thoughts
Instead I supress my urges and struggle no more
Against what I have become.
You are the one thing I feared the most
And like a moth to the flame, I was there
Until the end you will treat me like a puppet
Tugging and pushing me into harm's way.
There is no fight left inside me now
You wore it out within mere moments
A fluttering memory passes through
As I remember how it once was.
The Impossible
i want to be able to sit under the stars
and count them all.
i want to be able to share the paper with you
over our morning coffee.
i want to be able to talk about anything
even the ridiculous and absurd.
i want to be able to know that you will be there
when i go to sleep at night and when i wake in the morning.
i want to know that you are interested
in everything that happens.
i want to know that you feel the same as i do
and that you will listen when i speak.
i want to know that you are my partner
through the turmoil and troubles.
and most importantly, i want to know that you will treat me
as i should be and i will do the same to you.
Left & Right
I often wonder what I would do
If we ever ran into each other again.
The posibility of that actually happening
Is infinitely remote, but it still haunts me.
I like to think that if, by chance,
We came into contact again
Maturity would prevail and we could be friends.
However, I know you and you know me
And chaos would reign.
I would demand answers to the questions
That have been building up inside
For the months that have passed.
You would sit there passively
And say virtually nothing, cloaking yourself
In your 'intelligence' and 'humanity'.
In my imagination, at the end of our conversation
I reach across the table with my left and take your hand
While I swing with the right and knock out a few teeth.
Walk
Sensing that there's nothing to lose
I clear my throat and move ahead
Behind their backs I can feel my strength
But face to face I am sapped
Clenching my hands
Deeply breathing, trying to calm
I know that they have all the power
And I am but a lowly worker
Who fixes their mistakes
Covers their slips
Takes their abuse
Willingly does the extras
Smiling and nodding
Agreeing with their outrageous claims
For a pittance and a pat on the back.
Untitled
I often wonder
What it would be like
To not be me.
To be that person
Across the room
Or down the street.
To deal with their life
And their problems
Even if they are the same as mine.
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