Java

I live in a small town. It's actually a small city, but compared to other cities, it's a small town.

There's nothing to do here. Absolutely nothing. Well, if I wanted to, I could be forced under severe torture to admit that there are a few things to occupy the masses in my small burg.

For example, there is coffee. Coffee is a time honoured tradition that sees groups of people gathering in restaurants and the appropriately named coffee shops for hours on end to talk about the following: 1. Friends who have committed various sins. 2. How much their job sucks. 3. Various events that have occurred and how the facts differ from person to person. 4. How to get the guy/girl they currently obsess over to like them. 5. How they would change everything if they were in power and had all the money in the world at their disposal.

I've gone for a lot of coffee. I've spent nights at coffee with my friends. Nights that could have been spent far better, but I admit that I can't think that would have prevented me from going for coffee. For the last five years, it's what I've done most evenings.

I confess - I'm a coffee junkie. I've found that I will search out my friends, wherever they are, whatever they are doing, and 'casually' ask about the plans for the evening.

"So, ah, Jake, what are you doing tonight?"

"Well, I was planning on taking Jody to the movie. Why?"

"What are you doing after?" I worried a lot if they could hear the pleading in my voice over the phone.

"Nothing. You?"

"Oh, not much. Wanna do coffee?" Did I sound aloof? Did I come across as though I had nothing else planned but wouldn't mind spending time with friends? Or did I sound desperate?

"Let me check. Hey, honey... it's Drew. Do we want to do coffee after the movie? Okay. Drew, she says no, but I'm allowed to."

"Ok. Give me a call when you're out. I'll be kicking around here."

"Later."

From that point on, I would plan out the entire conversation in my head. It was a little trick I'd come up with a few years back. For the longest time, I would keep quiet at the table. I thought I didn't have anything to say. Then, one amazing night, I spoke up. My friends looked at me like I was the second-coming. Man, that was a great night. And since then, I've had to live up to that high point. It's not easy. Especially with my friends.

Ah, my friends. I have five really close friends. These are the people I can rely on to keep me grounded, to keep me sane, to go for coffee with.

I classify my friends according to how much personal stuff the know about me.

First, there's Lawrence. I've known him for seven or eight years now. We met in our first year of college at the freshmen orientation. I saw him across the room, sitting in the corner reading a book. My first thought was, "Wow. A real geek." My second was, "Why is he coming over here?" Needless to say, Lawrence and I got along great and have stuck together like glue since. He knows everything - the loves, the losses, the stupid tricks and the brilliant successes.

Second, there's Roma. Roma is my only 'girl' friend. I hate females as a rule - even though I am one. I hate the pettiness, the cattiness, the vindictiveness... everything. Roma feels the same as I do - and yet, strangely, she isn't first on the list. Perhaps it's because she's female. I met her standing in line for drinks at a bar one night. She wanted a beer and I wanted a cocktail - she got hers first, even though she was behind me. I turned around and called her a bitch and we ended up hanging out the rest of the night. She's Lawrence's girlfriend - has been for four years. I hooked them up after they both had really nasty breakups the same weekend. Rather than backfiring and doing serious permanent damage, it worked out well. Damn them.

Third, there's Jake. Jake was my lab partner in high school. He moved out east to go to college and came right back. Rumour has it he blew his entire student loan on booze and women - took him only 18 days to go through $3000. As well as being a hero to our group, he's also the 'outsider' - he's actually got a life outside of us. That scares me.

Fourth, there's Josh. Ah, Josh... my love. I have kept my desire for Josh quiet from him - but that doesn't mean he doesn't know about it. God knows what these people talk about when I'm not around. Josh is a friend of Lawrence's and has recently become a more frequent coffee member. We hang out on our own every once in a while, usually while we're doing laundry - we live in the same building. But I love him - I want to spend my life with him, bear his children, sit on our front porch yelling at children in our old age together. Sigh...

Fifth, and finally, there's Kyle. Kyle was in a class I had a few years ago. We were stuck together doing a group project, I invited him out for coffee one night, and he's been around ever since. And I'm convinced that he has a crush on me. Sigh, what a surprise. There's really no other reason for him to be around, if you ask me.

I spent almost an hour doing quasi-research on the net for the news of the day. I knew that one of the gang would have a copy of the paper sitting at the table and the only way I could increase my value within the group was to come up with interesting points of view and tidbits of information that weren't included in the paper.

After cramming my brain with unnecessary crap, I did a call-around. Not like that's really hard.

First, the obvious 'yes'. And it's two calls in one. I love it when I can save brief seconds.

"Hey, Lawrence. It's Drew."

"Yeah, Drew. What time?"

"Jake's gonna call after the movie. Jody's not coming."

"Oh, good. Give me a shout when he does."

"Ok. Later."

Then the must-keep-conversation-as-short-as-possible-so-he-doesn't-think-I'm-all-hot-and-bothered-for-him call.

"Coller."

"Is Kyle in?"

"Speaking."

"It's me. Whatcha up to tonight?"

"Nothing. You going for coffee?"

"Yeah. Jake's gone to the movie with Jody and he said he'd call when it got out."

"Sure. Let me know. I'll swing by and grab you."

"Thanks. Bye."

Ooooh - the big one next. I can't sound like I want him desperately, but I still have to sound interested.

"Hello, is Josh in?"

"Drew? Why do you ask that every time you call? You know I live alone." I could hear the laughter - was it with me or at me? Oh, the agony.

"Oh, I'm just being polite. My mother brought me up to be a proper lady."

"Ha. You? A proper lady? Drew, sometimes you make me laugh just by being you."

"Um, thanks. Look, Josh, a bunch of us are going out for..."

"Coffee? Sure, I've got nothing else to do. Count me in."

"Ok. Jake's at the movie with his girlfriend and he said he'd call when it got out. I have to phone Lawrence when Jake calls and then Kyle, who said he'd pick us up." Well, Kyle said he'd pick _me_ up, not Josh. I can already hear his heart crushing. Man, I'm a bitch.

"Well, aren't we little Miss Efficiency? Yeah, let me know when. You know the number, obviously. Although, with all the calls I get from you, I have thought of changing it."

"Oh. I'll try to stop that." Why on earth am I panicking over such an obvious joke? What is the matter with me?

"Yeah. I gotta go, Drew. I'm gonna jump in the shower before Kyle gets here. Talk to you soon. Bye."

"Bye." I set the phone down and flopped onto my couch. Staring at my ceiling, I tried to figure out how to get Josh for the millionth time. I guess being coy and demure wasn't the best way to handle it. I've talked about this situation with Lawrence and Roma a few times - and each time they tell me the same thing. "Just talk to him." That's easy for them to say. I'm a chicken and have a deathly fear of rejection. Well, not rejection necessarily, but acknowledgement of non-interest. If that makes any sense.

I jumped up from the couch and went into my room. I needed to change. I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, which most people would consider totally appropriate for coffee. I, on the other hand, considered my current ensemble a little too 'blah'. I'm trying to get together with this guy I've had a major crush on for months and I'm going to wear what I lounge around the house in? I think not. Mind you, this is the guy who has seen me sort my underwear and other unmentionables... he's seen almost everything I own. Maybe it was time to just be myself and wear what I usually do. Everytime I get together with him in a social setting (ie. coffee), I'm all dolled-up and trying to hard to impress. I wear clothes that would be more suitable for a dance club than an all-night coffee shop. I put so much make-up on that I feel like my face weighs 10 lbs. Maybe tonight I'll go normal - it's not like Josh has never seen me like that. I do my laundry in sweats - why should I change for coffee? Why bother trying to be someone I'm not?

The phone wailed in the living room. I ran down the hall to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Drew? Jake."

"Hey, Jake. Good movie?"

"Nah. Chick-flick. Jody's still crying."

"Really? Wow."

"Yeah, I'm outside of her place right now. Did you need to be picked up?"

"No. I'm going to call Kyle and he said he'd pick me up. And Josh."

"Oh, really? Does he know this?"

"Um, no. But it'll be kind of obvious when we're both standing out on the sidewalk waiting for him."

"Man, I wish I could see his face when he drives up. You know he's got a thing for you, right? Not as bad as you have for Josh, but it's still a thing."

"Yeah, I know. To save time, can you call Lawrence? It'd just be easier - I still have to call Josh after Kyle."

"Sure. The usual?"

"Yeah. See you there."

"Ok. Bye."

I hung up and dialed Kyle.

"Coller."

"Hey, Kyle. It's Drew."

"Oh, Drew. Hi. Has Jake called?"

"I just got off the phone with him. He's calling Lawrence right now."

"Ok. I'll be over there in a few minutes."

"Sure. We'll be waiting. Bye."

I hung up as quickly as I could before he asked about the 'we' part of my goodbye. Normally, Kyle and Josh get along, but lately, there's something different. I think someone, probably Roma, blabbed to Kyle about my yearning for Josh and he's not taking it well. I keep trying to figure out what Kyle could have taken as a sign to mean that I'm interested in him. There's nothing - every once in a while, I end up sitting beside him at coffee, but that's not my fault. It's just the way the seating goes sometimes.

I dialed Josh. And waited with baited breath until he picked up, on the sixth ring.
"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."

"Drew? You just caught me getting out of the shower."

"Oh, sorry." And that's an image I'll never get out of my head.

"I take it Kyle's on his way."

"Yep. He said he'd be over in a few."

"Ok. Come on down and we'll head downstairs together. My door will be open."

"Sure. I'll be right down."

I hung up the phone and looked at my chest to see if I could actually see my heart beating as wildly as it felt. Nope, no medical miracles today.

Rather than change my entire outfit, I changed into a clean(er) shirt, slid my feet into my sandals, grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I slowly went down the two flights of stairs to Josh's place so I wouldn't seem out of breath when I got there. But I still felt like I was going to hyperventalate myself to death.

As I came around the corner from the stairwell to his door, he walked out.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"Shall we?"

"Yeah. I can hear Kyle's car already."

We went down one more flight of stairs and out the front door. Sure enough, Kyle was waiting on the street. I walked in front of Josh to the passenger door, just so I could get to Kyle first and use my charm to convince him that giving the love of my life a ride would be a good idea.

"Kyle, is it okay if Josh catches a ride with us? I mean, it makes sense, he does live in the same building as me and it just seemed easier."

"Um, yeah. No problem at all. I'll just unlock the back door for him."

I stood up and motioned for Josh to hop on in. He got in and I settled myself in the front seat.

Kyle's car was a boat. You could fit a medium-sized family in the backseat, with room for a couple of pets. I loved this car - it was one benefit to keeping Kyle around. It made an obnoxious amount of noise - you could hear it three blocks away in a thunderstorm. We nicknamed it 'Gigantor' because it was like a monster in an old 'B' movie.

I sat stock-still in the front seat, waiting for either one of them to speak. No matter which one it was, my reaction was going to be the same - nervous reply, attempt at humour, failure at attempted humour and short, stilted answers.

"So, Drew. How was your day?" Kyle was intensely jealous of my stay-at-home job. Hell, who wouldn't be.

"Ok." I fiddled with the strap on my purse.

"That's good."

"Yeah."

It was at least another seven minutes to the restaurant. Now's a good time to explain the stay-at-home job.

I won the lottery a couple of years ago. Nothing big - only a couple of million - but it's still enough to live off if properly invested. So now I spend all my time at home reading books and writing to publishers. I have a system - if the book is good, the publisher gets a nice letter and a card of thanks to send to the writer. If it's a bad book, i write a scathing letter to the publisher and include a flat, dried piece of dog shit for the writer. This is how I spend my time. I love it.

We pulled up to the restaurant. It was only 10 o'clock or so and it was fairly quiet. We walked in and waited to find out if anyone had beat us.

"Good evening. Table for...?"

"Um, I think six. Maybe only five."

"Let me see what we have." And she walked away.

"Did she ask if we wanted smoking?" Josh was trying to quit. Again. He had been trying for as long as I've known him.

"No. But she knows us."

"There's Lawrence and Roma."

"Hey, guys."

"Hey."

"Waiting for a table?"

"Yeah. You'd think they'd know us by now."

"Yeah."

The server came back and grabbed six menus from the podium. "Right this way."

We followed her to our usual table - corner booth, smoking, not too many people around so we could talk and not be disturbed.

"What would you like to drink?"

"Coffee."

"Coffee."

"Coffee."

"Coffee."

"Chamomile Tea." Roma may be a non-girl girl, but she was still a girl.

"And Jake will probably have coffee when he gets here."

"Ok. I'll be right back."

We all grabbed a menu and looked them over. I already knew what we'd all have. Lawrence and Roma would share a salad, Kyle would have a plate of fries, Josh would have some breakfast thing, and I would have a muffin.

"So, what's new with you guys?" As usual, Roma started it all off. A nice, non-sensitive query directed at all of us. It was an undeclared competition between each of us to see who could come up with the most outrageous event in our life to beat the other's.

"Not much. Same old, same old. Read some books, mailed some letters. Slept, woke up, ate, nothing too exciting." What was I supposed to say? These people all knew that I did nothing.

"I managed to snare a new client at work. Might be up for a promotion. Got a letter from my parents begging me to 'come back to the fold and resign my wayward life.'" Josh's parent's were really weird religious people and he was convinced that they were in a cult. Needless to say, Josh did not share their pious ways.

"'Wayward life'? What do they mean by that?" Kyle came from a non-religious family and was always fascinated by Josh's tales of his formerly-devout life.

"I'm not sure. I try to not speak to them as much as possible, which makes Christmas a little difficult. I think they want me to move home and settle down with one of the girls from their 'church.' And give up everything I have here? Yeah, I can totally see myself doing that."

"Yeah, whatever, man. I've known you for years and I haven't even heard you say 'God bless you' when someone sneezes. You're about as religious as this still-empty cup of coffee." Lawrence said that last sentence as loud as he could - and still the server wandered by our table.

"I know. It's just getting harder to say no. You'd think it would be easier, but my parents are getting older and I don't get to see them that much and I'm the only child. It's a guilt trip by them, I'm sure. I mean, I would talk to them more, but I can only stand hearing 'The Lord will forgive you if you...' so many times before I want to cut them completely out of my life."

"Well, Josh, you could just tell them that you aren't going to join their cult. How hard could it be? 'Mom, Dad, I'm not going to join you in your group suicide plan.' There, see? Easy as pie." Roma, as dear as she is, never could grasp the complications that life could have for other people. Perhaps that's why Lawrence, the total neurotic, loves her so much.

"Here's your drinks. Are you ready to order?"

We gave the server our orders as quickly as possible. There were no jokes with this one - she wouldn't get them.

"So, where's Jake?"

"Dunno. Said he'd be here when we got here."

"Ah, he'll be here when he gets here. He probably had to go see Jody to bed."

"Yeah, you know how Jody is. Typical girl." Roma and I shared a knowing look - we knew all right. Jody would have called Jake on his cell and told him to come right over before she went to bed. He'd get there and she'd be all teary and girly and he would see his chance to get laid and jump all over it. Jake walked up to the table just at that moment.

"Hey, speak of the devil..."

"Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all, man. Slide in next to Kyle."

Now that Jake was with us, the seating arrangement was set for the night. Jake, Kyle, Lawrence, Roma, me, and Josh. Perfect - Kyle was still far enough away that I could still talk to him one-on-one and not have it seem like we were having an intimate conversation; Josh was right next to me, sharing elbow and knee room, and we could share private jokes and have our own little talk; Lawrence and Roma were right there in case I needed them; and Jake was just there - but I knew if I needed him, he'd be there for support.

"So, what were you guys talking about?" Josh explained his parental demands and Jake offered his usual answer.

"Eh, whatever. Parents die eventually. Look at mine - dropped dead before I was 15. Best thing that could have happened."

If we were normal, that statement would have shocked us. But we all knew what Jake meant. His home life growing up was not pleasant and what he said was true. His parents died in a car accident coming home from a bar one night. Jake answered the door to the police and said "Good" when they told him. He's not bitter or regretful like most people would be. He's stronger than all of us and would probably be the only one of the group to survive a nuclear attack.

"So what movie did Jody drag you to see tonight?" Lawrence saw Jody as the girl he wanted Roma to be - but Roma was not going to be Jody no matter what. In another time, I'm sure Roma would have been a man, not a lesbian like everyone assumes.

"I think it was called 'The Lake of Love'. I watched the previews and the back of some guy's head. I have no idea what the movie was about."

"Ah. So a _real_ chick flick, eh?"

"Yeah. But it made Jody happy, which is good. She needs to be made happy. If she's not happy, I'm not happy. If you catch my drift."

We all dug in and no one said anything for a little while. Kyle broke the silence.

"So, Drew, why do you do it?"

"Do what?" I was wiping the crumbs off my fingers when he threw that curveball at me.

"What you do. Read and criticize. You could do so much more. You're smart, you have an education, you have money. Why spend your days reading about other people and sending shit to the authors?"

"Well, Kyle, that's a good question. And not one I have an answer for, really." I leaned back and felt like I was before a firing squad. The rest of them knew enough not to press me on this. It was my thing and I wasn't going to change for any of them.

"Hey, Kyle, she's got a right to do whatever she wants. She's not like you, going around trying to rub everyone's nose in the fact she has a glamourous, high-paying job like some people. Why do you do your job?" Josh, my darling, jumped to my rescue. But I couldn't let myself read more into it than there was.

"I do my job because I, uh, get paid for it, I guess. It's not like I enjoy sitting in front of a computer all day, entering in numbers that don't mean anything to me. I'd rather be doing what Drew does. That's why I asked."

I sat silently, thinking of a good way to phrase my explanation. I knew that no matter what I came up with in my head, it wouldn't sound right when it came out. I have a hard time explaining myself - I usually end up having five thoughts all at once and they try to get out all at the same time. Very frustrating.

"Ok. I'm sure you've all been waiting for this for a long time. Here's why I do what I do and why I like it so much.

"I've got a lot of money. Not a whole lot, but a lot. It's enough that I can live fairly decently and still keep my head above water. I'm not into lording it all over you guys - I keep myself on a strict budget that some guy in an office somewhere oversees. I pay him really well, and it seems to work. I get a monthly allowance that I use for everything - food, rent, bills, coffee - and if I go over, that amount gets taken away from the next month.

"After I quit my job at the bank, I took a month to find something that I could do, but not make money at and still enjoy. There's not a whole heck of a lot out there that doesn't involve 'old lady' crafts. I had some money left over from my pay-out from the bank so I went book shopping. And that's when it hit me. I could read for a living.

"I found that because I had all this free time, I could read and read and read. That's all I had to do. It's not expensive, it's a way to build my intelligence and awareness and I still feel like a part of society.

"I came up with the idea to write the publishers after one book really pissed me off. I think it was 'Beneath the Stars Above' - I hated it. I read it, finished it, and despised the people who published it. So I sent them a letter telling them how I felt. They wrote back, offering me any other selection for free, so I took another one. Ended up hating that one, too. So I wrote them another letter, but this time, I included a piece of dog shit. I figured that was the best way for me to get my point across.

"And after that, I went on a mission. It's not like I purposely went out and searched for bad books - picking a bad book off the shelf is like a crap shoot. Either it's there or it's not. And I honed my skills at shit-sending. I figured that the publisher should get the letter denouncing their idiotic decision to print the damn book and the writer should get the shit - dried.

"I send authors shit and publishers nasty letters because I want them to know that people will not read everything they put on the shelves and enjoy it. I know that I am one person and that I do not represent everyone's tastes, but I still like to think that my approval or disapproval means something to them."

Lawrence and Roma looked at me like I'd grown another head. Jake sat with his cup halfway to his lips. Josh looked at me with a strange, curious look. And Kyle shook his head.

"That's it? Pretty lame if you ask me."

"And why would you do it?" Josh leaned a little closer to me and glared at Kyle. Oh, yes, he knew. He knew everything.

"I dunno. But I sure as hell wouldn't stay here to do that. Come on, why stay in a backwater town like this if you've got money like that? You could do what you do anywhere."

"Maybe, but I like it here."

"Well, I sure as hell don't. Jake, move - I'm leaving."

Kyle got up and threw some money on the table. "See ya." And he left.

We sat in uncomfortable silence for a little while. "Um, I guess I should head out, too. Jody's probably trying to call my phone and I've had it shut off since I got here. Talk to you guys later." And Jake left.

Lawrence and Roma slid around the booth so we could have a little more room. Roma looked really interested in her spoon and Lawrence kept making attempts at getting something out of his mouth. I could guess one of two things: 'So, Kyle's an ass, eh?' or 'So, Drew, Josh, when are you two going to start going out?'. Yeah, I love Lawrence.

"So, Drew, Josh, when are you two going to start going out?"

"Um..."

"Wha?"

"Are the two of you deaf? I mean, really, you two are practically joined at the hip as it is. You live in the same building, you both know me, it's perfect."

"Lawrence, really. Leave them be. Things will happen when they happen." I gave Roma a silent blessing for that.

"Yeah, I guess. You guys need a ride?"

"Josh?" I am a grown-up. I can make decisions for myself. But right now, I had this urge to walk the two miles back home with him.

"Nah. We'll walk. It's a nice night."

"Suit yourselves. Give me a call later."

"Drew, talk to you later?" Roma arched her eyebrows in that silent way of saying 'Call me when you get home, whenever it is, even if it is tomorrow morning.'

"Yeah, I'll give you a call. Later, guys."

"Bye."

I tried to be casual as I scooted away from Josh. Things were too perfect to be true. There was something wrong.

"We may as well head out too, eh?"

"Yeah, I guess."

We got out of the booth, paid our share of the bill and headed out into the night. I kept at least three feet between us as long as I could.

"Drew, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"I know you have feelings for me. Why?"

"Um, well... I just do." How on earth are you supposed to answer that question?

"Oh. I guess that's going to be a problem."

"Problem?" Alarm bells were going nuts inside my head.

"I'm... ah... well, see there's this thing..."

"Thing?" Mail-order bride? Venereal disease?